


Remembering Us

by Twistedowl87



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-25 00:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twistedowl87/pseuds/Twistedowl87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He truly believed it was 2006 when he woke up in the hospital, but it's not.  It's actually 2016. The doctors tell him to keep a journal with the hope it might help jog his memory, so he does just that. But the more entries he writes the more he can't help but wonder about the island, his scars and why he feels like a big piece of him is missing... Besides 10 years of memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waking up

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here is my new story. The idea has been bouncing around in my head for longer than I care to admit, so I thought I would give it a try. I hope you guys like it.
> 
> Disclaimer: I wish I did, but sadly I don't own Arrow or it's characters

[](http://s23.photobucket.com/user/twistedowl/media/image-2.jpg.html)

March 27th, 2016

Dear Journal (I guess),

I fell... At least that's what they tell me. I have no idea why I was climbing the side of my club, actually to be honest I didn't know I owned a club when I woke up. Since I have woken up I can't stop thinking that it is ten years ago. I woke up in a hospital and didn't understand what was happening. The accident was a month ago. The doctors seem to think that writing this journal might help bring back some of my missing memories.

Thea was here when I woke up, only it wasn't Thea... Not to me. I remember Thea as this little girl with pig tails chancing after me and Tommy everywhere. I remember her crying at night because she swore she could hear noises in her closet and I would sleep in her room on the floor to protect her from the monsters. I remember her little voice yelling, "Ollie" over and over again.

It took me a couple of days before I could even talk to her because even though her face hasn't changed it didn't feel like she was my sister. Then after I finally talked to her it took me another week before I would let her come visit me again. She told me that my mother aided in the leveling the Glades and is serving a life sentence in Gotham, and that's not even the worst of it.

Thea told me that Tommy is dead. He died saving Laurel when half the Glades went down close to five years ago, but to me if feels like it just happened. My best friend in the world is dead, my mother is in prison, my eight year old sister is an adult and to top it off my father died when his ship sank. I hate this... not knowing who I am. No one can understand how hard it is to wake up and be missing almost a third of your life.

To add insult to injury, Thea told me more bad news. For five of the ten years that I'm missing in my memory, I was missing completely. I was on the ship with my father when it sank and Laurel's sister Sarah was with me. According to the doctor who examined me when I returned twenty percent of my body is covered in scars and I can tell you that they are brutal. I have tattoos now too that I don't understand at all also; dragons and Chinese characters and some weird looking star thing... And I have no clue why I have any of them.

I asked Thea what happened to me on the island, but apparently I haven't told her anything about the island. According to her, as far as she knows I haven't told anyone about it. 

Laurel has been coming to visit me a couple times a week since I have woken up. I asked her what she knew about the island and my scars, but she didn't know anything either. She said that every time she did ask I would clam up and not really respond. According to her, the only thing she ever got from me was that the island was the true example of hell on earth and her picture is one of things that kept me going. I don't find that to hard to believe, I know that I have always thought that she would be who I would end up with in the end. 

Unfortunately though, when I'm with her I still feel like something is missing. I can't quite figure out why. I'm guessing it has something to do with not remembering the last ten years. She won't talk about Tommy with me, and every time I bring it up she starts to cry. Thea told me that Laurel and Tommy dated for a while and that Tommy died saving her from her work building. I can't put into words how angry I felt toward the both of them when she told me, but then Thea reminded me that I cheated on Laurel with Sarah and I have no room to try and pass judgement.

I have this body guard who apparently has been with me since I returned from the island. His name is John Diggle. From what I have gathered so far he is former military and has a wife named Carly. He has one adopted son and a son and daughter of his own. He seems nice enough, but it seems that there is something more he always wants to say but he doesn't. I asked him if we were friends before my accident and he told me yes, that I was the best man at his wedding. I also asked him if he knew anything about the island as well, but he says he doesn't. I then tried asking him if he knew of anyone I might had told about the island, he said the only person he thought I told was Tommy and of course Tommy is gone so I can never ask him.

I'm trying to make sense of the world around me but I can't. I want my memories back, but after everything I have gathered from the people I have talked to... Do I really want to remember ten years worth of pain again? Ten years of suffering and loss and I know that as the memories come back to me I'm going to feel all that hurt all over again. I can only hope that as the memories come back to me I will also feel the happiness that hopefully is in there some where and maybe (just maybe) the good will make the bad worth it.

I'm going to end this now. I finally get to go home, and with any luck maybe my memories will start to return.

Oliver


	2. Without an Owner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***PLEASE READ*** I feel like I have to explain where this story is going to go a little bit so that you (my readers) will understand that though it might not seem like it, this is in fact an Olicity story. The way I want this story to go is going to be a bit untraditional is the way of love stories, but if you are willing to bare with me I will do my best not to disappoint you guys. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I have no rights to Oliver Queen or Arrow, but a girl can dream right.

March 30th, 2016

Hello Journal,

I've been home for three days now and nothing has come back to me yet. I know it won't be an over night thing, but I was really hoping that something, anything would come back to me. Right now I would even be happy with something as small and minuscule like what my favorite shirt is. Speedy has been amazing these past few days, she hasn't left my side since I came home. 

Last night she introduced me to her fiancé; Roy Harper. I don't like him, but according to Speedy and Diggle I was actually very fond of him before my accident. He's currently the manager at my club... So there has to be some truth to this claim right? I think my current dislike for him is simply based on the fact that I really believe there is no one alive that is worthy of Thea. This morning she showed me an arrow head I gave her when I came home from the island and it doesn't seem like something I would give as a gift, but she loves it. She says its one of her most treasured possessions so I guess I can consider that some sort of win.

Speaking of treasured possessions, I found the most interesting thing in the drawer of my nightstand. It was a descent sized engagement ring. It's a platinum setting with a large circle of diamonds and inside if that circle was a circle of emeralds and then another circle of diamonds and finally in the center is a large emerald. On the inside of the band there is an engraving in very small writing that wraps all the way around the inside of the ring that reads, "No one could ever love me half as good as you". I asked Roy, Thea and Diggle if they knew about it or who it might be fore and they all say that they didn't.

Some information I was able to get thought was according to Speedy, it's a custom design from the most top notch jeweler in Starling City. I took the ring to the jeweler that Speedy said made it and I asked if they knew anything about it. They said all they knew was that I was very insistent that they make it exactly the way I wanted it... to the detail. They also said that I paid close to twenty five thousand dollars for the perfect flawless stones and the pure platinum for the setting and all the fine details. How in the hell is it that I dropped close to twenty five grand on a custom made ring and no one knows who I bought it for? There is no freaking way! If I was that serious with someone and thinking about proposing to her there is no way I wouldn't have introduced her to Thea or Diggle at the very least. He is my body guard, he was suppose to be with me all the time. He should have at least met her once if he was doing his job right. 

The only thing I can guess is the reason I haven't introduced anyone to a new woman in my life that I wanted to purpose to is because everyone already knows her. I guess it kind of makes sense why I would want to purpose to Laurel, but at the same time it doesn't since her and I haven't been together (according to her) for quite a while. I haven't told her about the ring and I'm not going to. I figure that if I was so ready to purpose to her and we weren't together then I need to stop and take a step back and think about everything. If I love her that much that I want to marry her, then I will probably love her that much again, it's just going to take time. I'm thinking about asking her out and maybe with any luck what so ever maybe something will come back to me.

I have been watching the news more with the hope maybe that will help me remember anything and I have learned that Starling City has its very own super hero... The Green Arrow. What kind of name is that? If I was going to be a super hero I would want a name that would be intimidating, it definitely would be better than "Green Arrow". Speedy told me that I apparently have had my share of run ins with the lunatic in the last five years. According to her he saved me and Tommy when we were kidnapped right after I returned from the island, then when he failed to intimidate my mother in her office and she shot him he kidnapped me and her and he tortured me in front of her to get information from her until she eventually gave in and gave him all the information he wanted. Between you and me though, judging by my scars... I don't think the Green Arrow was my first experience with torture, but obsessively I don't know that for sure.

I haven't gone and seen my mother yet. I'm not sure if I can face her knowing that she was involved with the event that killed Tommy. God I I miss Tommy. He would be doing everything in his power to make this better for me whether it would be him trying to help me remember or just going out of his way to help me make new memories to take up the vacancy in my mind. I have to give Speedy a lot of credit though she sure is trying and Diggle too.

They want to have a small party for my birthday next week. They want to invite all the people they knew I was close with before the accident for just a dinner or something. I'm not really big on the idea, but I think I have finally passed desperate specially since I found that ring and right now I'm willing to try anything to have just a fraction of a memory come to me.

I know in the grand scheme of things life isn't suppose to be fair, but this is bull shit! I'm Oliver fucking Queen. I have a trust fund that equals more money then half the Glades will ever know and yet here I am thirty two in reality and twenty two in my head and no memories to help me along. I don't think I have been that shity of a human being to deserve this. I'm probably doing some sort of mystical penance for my mother's sins.

I can say that I have never been more depressed than I have felt for the last month. I didn't know I was capable of such sadness. I've never really been sad before... Well from what I can remember anyways. But the sadness that I've been feeling for the last month by far makes up for the sadness I've never known. It's not even just not having my memories, it's everything: a dead best friend, a dead dad, a murdering mother, a very impressive engagement ring with no owner and this huge feeling of something missing and I still don't know what it is.

I'm going to head out, I'm going to go give Laurel a call and see if she wants to go to dinner or something and if there is any freaking justice in the world maybe I can get a memory to come to me.

Oliver


	3. A lot of maybes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The new chapter is up and I hope you all enjoy it. I can't put into words how surprised I am by the response I have received from people about this story. So thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart thank you.**
> 
> **Disclaimer: Nope, Arrow still isn't mine... however season two premier is in one month and as day (HOORAY!).**

April 1st, 2016 2:45am

Dear Journal,

I had my first memory! Speedy had a friend over and I walked in on them in the kitchen and her friend was wearing this perfume or something and the smell brought back a memory. It wasn't much but it was something. 

I remembered the same smell, but on different flesh. I had my left hand closed around her right that was resting against my chest over my heart and my right hand rested on the small of her back as we danced. She was in this deep green dress and I didn't look at her face because I had my cheek a fraction of an inch away from hers and was looking down at the skin on her shoulder not hidden underneath fabric. I remember thinking how good she smelled and smiling at her rambling on about something I didn't hear because all I could think about was her smell and how badly I wanted to press my lips to her skin, but I didn't. I remember reminding myself that I couldn't kiss the base of her neck because she wasn't mine to kiss.

That's where the memory ended. The memory played in my head like a clip from a movie, I saw the whole thing and nothing at the same time. I felt a rush of contentment and then sadness. I can't help but wonder if she is the one the ring is for, but why would I get a ring for so someone who wasn't mine? I thought having a memory return to me was going to make me feel better, but it doesn't. I guess this is a perfect example of be careful what you wish for you just might get it... Wonderful, I'm going through some sort of hell and I'm being forced to learn bull shit life lessons. I can say though that if she is the one I had the ring made for it wouldn't surprise me very much. From just that one memory I think I can tell you that I was very in love with her, whether or not she knew it or if she loved me back.

I have a date with Laurel tonight, so I'm going to go for now and I'll write back later.

 

April 1st, 2016 10:50pm

I'm just got home from my date with Laurel and I had another memory come to me while I was with her. I found myself taking in her smell to see if her smell was the one I remembered this morning, but it wasn't. The smell that brought on that memory was fruity like some sort of melon, while Laurel has more of a floral smell and it didn't bring on a good memory. It must have been right after I got back from the island because she was telling me she wished I spent more than five years in rotting hell.

It was a nice night though as far as dates go I guess because I refused to let the sad memory ruin the night for me. We had dinner, we talked about the good old days, but like always when I brought up Tommy she ended the conversation immediately. She actually said, "Oliver I don't want to talk about Tommy. It took me almost two years to stop crying, it took me three to except his death was my fault and almost five years later I'm still trying to come to grips that he is gone. So I'm sorry, but I'm not going to talk about him with you."

I'm not even going to try and lie... That pissed me the hell off. I'm really trying to except that they had this thing going on between them and I'm trying to be sympathetic that he did die saving her life... I really am. But in my head though Tommy and I were together yesterday eating sushi off leggy Italian models talking about how life doesn't get any better than it does right now or was right then I guess, I'm having a hard time shifting from present tense to past tense. In my head past tense IS present tense.

Anyways I'm getting off track. Besides her not wanting to talk about Tommy conversation seemed kind of forced and it took a lot more concentration than I remember. I asked her questions about our interaction after I returned from the island and that wasn't a smart idea. She went on talking about how much she hated me because Sarah and I ran away on the yacht together and she died because of me. Yeah what a great conversation for a date huh? Pretty much when she said all that I changed the topic again to something more positive. 

We talked about her work and the cases she was working on at the moment. She told me about how she was working toward catching the Green Arrow, has been for a few years now. I asked her why she was so set on catching him and she said it was because despite all the good people thought he was doing, he was a murderer and needed to be brought to justice. 

I invited her to the dinner thing that Speedy wants to put on in a couple days as my date. I'm not a hindered percent sure that was the best idea, but I guess we shall see. I'm hoping a memory of two might come to me before or during. I'm also interested to see the kind of people that I called friends before my accident. I know I had more guests while I was in my coma than I have since I have woken up, and I know that my lack of guests was my own doing. I didn't want to overwhelm myself with these faces I didn't know so Speedy and I have decided that this dinner for my birthday was the best way for me to reintroduce myself to these people I apparently once called friends. And hopefully I might have a couple more memories, maybe a memory leading me to the woman who I had the ring made for.

I'm seeing a lot of "maybes" in this plan, but it's the best I can do for right now. I'll write back soon hopefully with good news for myself.

Oliver


	4. Polyglot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Here's the next one, I'm sure you guys will love this chapter... The world's favorite computer geek finally makes her appearance. Also for those who haven't read my other story you don't know this about me so let me tell you guys this. _I really hate Laurel_ I hate everything about her character and if I ruled the world she would have died instead of Tommy and as the story continues, if I haven't made you hate her too then I'm clearly not doing my job as a writer correctly. Anyways I hope you all enjoy the chapter. It's going to be a few days before my next update.**
> 
>  
> 
> **P.S. Translations is at the bottom in case you guys don't know Chinese or Russian**
> 
>  
> 
> **Disclaimer: Arrow isn't mine, just the plot.**

April 4th, 2016

Dear Journal,

All the dinner guests just left and now I'm basking in the silence of my room. Aside from people being here for my birthday I have also had a parade of guests today most of them the the cops. Apparently they found a dead body of a woman I used to date; Helena Bertinelli... Needless to say I don't remember her. The cops seemed to have a hard time believing me for the first part of the day and then Speedy kicked their asses out and told them to call our lawyer- Best. Sister. Ever.

It's not there was a huge amount of people here after the cops left, actually there was only six people here: Speedy and Roy, Diggle and his wife Carly, a little blonde girl named Felicity Smoak and of course Laurel. I guess Laurel had met Felicity a couple times and judging from the way Laurel carried herself around Felicity I think it's a safe bet that they aren't really friends. Her and Speedy seemed really close though which is nice.

Speedy pulled Felicity into a hug and said, "It is so good to see you. I haven't seen you since a couple days before Ollie woke up. You were in the room with Helena- oh by the way did you hear what happened to her?"

Felicity shifted a little, "Yeah I can't believe it... Found dead in a factory. According to the news police believe it has something to do with her mob boss dad. It's not surprising though she was completely guānbi tā de yáo gān." Now here it the truly interesting thing I knew exactly what she said, she said "off her rocker" in Chinese and I knew it. I didn't know I spoke Chinese. She saw that I knew what she said too, there was no missing it in her beautiful blue eyes. As if to test me she walked closer to me and said, "It's good to see you awake Oliver, I was really worried about you. Guānyú nî de huíyì, suīrán wô hên bàoqiàn, I really hope they come back soon."

Again I knew what she said. I let her words sink in and I just looked at her for a long second and took in her appearance, she had a bright pink shirt on covered with a bright purple sweater, a purple skirt and these really funny pink shoes with panda bears on them. She had a really bright pink lipstick on her lips and purple eye shadow behind thick framed glasses that were bright red. "Xièxiè. I do too."

There was a rush of questions I wanted to ask her, but as I was about to let them start flowing Laurel came grabbed my hand and pulled me into the dining room where everyone else was gathered. I know I'm suppose to be working toward falling in love with her again to the point that I want to give her the ring that was literally two hundred and thirteen steps from where I was standing, but I felt so much anger at her at that moment that I really believed that I might never love her the way I'm assuming I did before my accident.

The rest of the night was filled with a lot of laughter after we all sat down for dinner. When I asked Felicity about how her and I met and she told me that she was basically my personal computer geek. She then told me that she put it upon herself to help me catch up on my pop culture from while I was on the island she then said, "And I will tell you Mr. Queen that I am slightly annoyed that you went and got hurt and lost your memories, now I have to start over on all your tutoring and now I have to make up ten years instead of five. My poor poor DVD collection, so used and unappreciated. Oh and my poor DVR it's going to have so much recorded that I'm going to have to jimmy rig it for more memory- and I'm babbling and I'm stopping now."

Her cheeks were so red after she stopped talking and I found it rather endearing and rest of the table found some humor in it too... Except for Laurel. Felicity is defiantly not someone I would have ever thought I would be friends with, but we clearly were. She must have taught me Chinese and that's how I know it. I wondered what else I have learned from her.

My train of thought was interrupted by Speedy asking Felicity, "So where were you? After you escorted Helena out of the hospital you didn't come back. You were ok right?"

I didn't miss the way Diggle, Roy and Felicity quickly exchanged looks and then she said, "I had some work stuff that took up almost all of my time. And when I set my mind to completing a task I get tunnel vision, but it's all taken care of and I'm here now and that's all that matters to me."

Speedy seemed to accept that answer and continued the conversation. All in all I'd say tonight was a successful. Oh there was this weird thing that happened... I found Diggle and Felicity talking around a corner away from the rest of the guests. I didn't let them know I was there because their conversation sounded too interesting to interrupt.

Diggle was saying, "... What if he doesn't remember Felicity?"

She responded with, "I think he will. He knew exactly what I was saying when I spoke in Chinese earlier, but if he doesn't is it so bad Dig? He doesn't remember the island and all the bad that happened to him there and here since he has been home. He's my best friend, I just want him to be happy."

Then Diggle asked her, "Do you really think that a life without the island is going to make him happy?"

She didn't answer him right away, "It might. Come on let's get back to the group."

I turned around and rejoined the group right before they did and acted like I didn't hear what they were just saying. After that, the rest of the night went just fine. Everyone hung around after dinner for light conversation and a bit more laughter. As the night wore down everyone started to leave. First it was Diggle and Carly and then Felicity. 

I walked her to the door and said, "Thank you for coming."

She gave me a smile and then said, "It's not a problem Oliver, I'm just glad to see you awake and (aside from the memory loss) in good health. I really was worried about you."

Then something kind of struck me as odd, "Why do call me 'Oliver' and not 'Ollie' like most people?"

She looked down to her silly panda bear shoes and then said, "Because I never knew 'Ollie' and from what I've gathered over the years I've known you I wouldn't want too, he sounds like a complete tool. I know 'Oliver', he listens to me babble and say really awkward stuff. He taught me Chinese and Russian and listens when I bitch about my day. 'Oliver' is one of the best people I've ever known. I hope to see him again someday."

"Yeah me too- wait did... did you say Russian?"

She looked back up to my face then over my shoulder and said, "Vasha podruga dolzhna rabotat' na yeye voprosy revnosti."

And you wouldn't believe it I knew what she said and as soon as I processed her words Laurel came and placed her hand in mine and in the spirit of honesty I started laughing. 

It felt so good to laugh, it was my first real laugh since I woke up in the hospital. Felicity then turned and walked out of the house. I think Tommy would have liked her, I wonder if they ever met. 

Not long after Felicity left so did Laurel. She gave me a kiss before she walked out the door. It was exactly like I remember her kisses to be, but it didn't feel like her heart was in it or maybe it was me who's heart was in it... I don't know. Anyways I think I'm done for the night and I'm going to go to bed.

Oliver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations**
> 
> Guānyú nî de huíyì, suīrán wô hên bàoqiàn- I am really sorry about your memories
> 
> Xièxiè- thank you
> 
> Vasha podruga dolzhna rabotat' na yeye voprosy revnosti- your girlfriend needs to work on her jealousy issues


	5. Feeling Hopeful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
> _I decided I would rather finish this chapter and post it than pay attention to my professor whose idea of teaching is reading from the book that she already talked to us about. Sorry I'm a little bitter today. Exciting news, my other fanfiction See the World Through Your Eyes has been translated to spanish by Zape. Just a fun fact that really doesn't pertain to you guys, but it makes me happy so yeah. I know there isn't any Felicity in this chapter, but you guys will be seeing her a lot very very soon. I'm just trying to build up a good bromance between Oliver and Diggle right now. ****_**
> 
> **__ **
> 
> **__ **
> 
> **_****Disclaimer : _Season 1 comes out on DVD tomorrow, and sadly that's the closest I'll ever get to owning Oliver Queen or Arrow:(_**** _ **

April 6th, 2016

Dear Journal,

I've been putting a lot of thought into what Felicity said to me the other day. I never really thought about it before, the difference between the Oliver in my head and the Oliver that everybody has known since my return from the island. I had brunch with Laurel yesterday morning and I asked her her opinion since she knew me before the island and after the island and now after my accident. She said that she really just saw me as the silently broody type after I returned from the island. She told me that she missed me the way I was and she couldn't be more thrilled that I act more like the Ollie she knew.

I took Diggle to lunch today and asked him his opinion on the man I am now compared to the man I was almost two months ago before my accident. He told me he misses the me from two months ago. He said he knew I had some major issues that was rooted from the island, but I was a great man. I don't ever remember someone saying that to me before, I know that doesn't say much, but I don't. I asked him what made me so great and said there was lots of things that stuck out in his mind that made me great. So I told him to just tell me one and he did...

He told me that I set up the whole thing when he asked Carly to marry him. I got them a limo for the night, rented out the best restaurant in Starling City and filled it wall to wall of her favorite flower and paid a string quartet to play some of her favorite songs through out the night. 

When I asked Diggle why I did all of that for him he said, "Oliver since you returned from the island I have seen you go through a lot of relationships and stents where you truly deeply believed that the Oliver that came back from the island did not deserve the happiness that comes from finding the a person who can love even the worst parts of you. With that being said, you told me the reason you set up such an elaborate proposal for Carly and I was because you told me you thought we deserved it and that when the time came you hoped you would find someone who fit with you the way she and I fit together."

I had to look away from him because as he said the last part of that, that fucking ring popped into my head. I thought to myself that I already did find my fit. Diggle spoke again and what he said made me realize I said my thoughts out loud, "Oliver I wish more than anything I can tell you who that ring was for, but I can't because I really don't know. After you and Laurel broke up the last time you told me you were going to take a step back from the dating scene for a while."

I then asked him if he knew why her and broke up this last time he said it was because I knew I could never give her the whole truth and no matter how bad I wanted it I couldn't completely commit to her because there was always going to be that wall there. He didn't have to tell me what I already knew that "wall" was... It was the island.

After Lunch I gave him the slip and then went and did something that I'm actually a little a shamed of. I went to the mall in search for the fruity smell that brought back the good memory I had a couple days ago. It took well over an hour, the look as if I had lost my mind from about half a dozen different women (if they only knew) and a hundred of perfumes later I finally found it. It wasn't even a perfume at all, I found it right before I was about to give up and it turned out to actually be a scent called cucumber melon. But it was exactly what I remembered and as if the shame couldn't get any worse I bought two bottles of the body mist. 

Since the smell brought on my last memory and I was awake...I have this dumb idea in my head that maybe if I spray my pillow each night before I fall asleep maybe since I'm not going to be straining myself maybe the memories might come to me more freely in my sleep and hopefully I can figure out who the ring was intended for. 

After my shameful stent around the mall I decided to go to Verdant, the club I apparently own... Where I had my accident. Diggle came with me which was nice because he gave me the grand tour of it. If I say so myself it is actually a really nice club, but something didn't feel right. I walked to a door that had a keypad on it and it took some convincing for Diggle to open it for me and as I descended the stairs, I don't know... It's hard to explain. I looked around the room and it was full of boxes and chairs and none of it was right. I can't think of another way to put it, it just wasn't right. Something was missing, something big at least that's what it felt like. Like I said its hard to explain. Diggle pulled me back upstairs and poured himself and I a two finger whiskey.

Roy joined us a little later and we talked and shot the shit for a little while and for a few moments I was able to forget that I had no memories, that my best friend was dead, that my family was destroyed and I was suppose to be in love with someone I didn't know. I was just Oliver Queen bull shifting and laughing with friends. Today was the first time that I actually allowed myself to feel any hope. Hope for myself, hope for my family and hope for my memories. 

Aside from the shameful trip to the mall, I would really like to have more days like today. Days where I'm going to bed with a feeling happy and hopeful.

Oliver


	6. Red wine and Chinese food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_Next chapter is up and I'm pretty damn confident you guys are going to like it. I have something kind of small and silly hidden in the chapter and the first to tell me what it is gets the next chapter dedicated to them. To make it fair I'll give you all a small hint, it has something to do with the beautiful man who plays Oliver Queen, Stephen Amell. Also in the spirit of honesty I only proof read this chapter only once so there is probably going to be a couple mistakes... Sorry :-/ Oh also, translation is at the bottom._ **
> 
> **Disclaimer : I don't own Arrow**

April 8th, 2016

Dear Journal,

Since the other day with Diggle and Roy I have been thinking how nice it would be to put myself in situations not where my primary focus isn't having memories return to me, but surround myself with the few friends I know I have so I can have that hopeful feeling I experienced the other day. The smell on my pillow helped a little bit last night. I had a dream about being surrounded by the smell with a warm nude body pressed against me. Her back was to my front with my right arm stretched out with her head on it and my left held her close to me. I didn't open my eyes but just soaked in her scent and the silence of the room was broken with the words, "I think I love you" in barely audible whisper that I feel myself doubt my own hearing. I then remembered myself laying still in bed until her breathing evened out and then I pulled myself from her bed and left without looking at her. This memory played in my head like the last one, like a clip from the movie and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't see the woman I was in bed with. I wish I know why I got out of bed with her, I could feel the warmth in my chest because she was so close to me. When I woke up I could still feel the warmth of her skin and I was rushed with such a feeling of cold and emptiness that going back to sleep was impossible.

I have this new love for working out. I have never been to worried about that kind of stuff before, but since my accident I can't seem to stop wanting to work out. It really helps clear my head and this morning was the perfect example of needing a clear head. I woke up really hating myself and that's a new concept for me. I know I have gotten out of many different beds with many different women many of whom have confessed so sort of love to me, but when I watched myself leave my dream girl's bed I felt ashamed of myself. And then after I woke up I spent the next three hours beating the shit out of my body with pull ups and push-ups and anything else I could figure out to do in my bedroom. By the time I was done and showered I had a text message from Laurel saying that she is going to be working all day on a case and she had to cancel our plans for the day.

So, Speedy and Roy are spending their day together and today is Dig's day off. I was laying in bed trying to think of a way to spend my day and then it came to me. I called Diggle and asked for Felicity's address and he gave it to me. He also said that since I'm crashing her Sunday on a whim it was very important that I didn't go over their empty handed and then he hung up. I stopped at the wine shop and I thought back to her and how colorful she was so I took a shot in the dark and picked a red wine. I can't explain it, but the oddest thing kind of happened to me. I was looking at the shelves and this one particular bottle caught my eye. It had three fingers wrapped around the end of an arrow and it was called Nocking Point. There was nothing special about it, but I kept coming back to it and ended up buying two bottles of it and then headed to Felicity's apartment.

I didn't call ahead (I don't have her number) so when I knocked on the door and she opened it the shock on her face was pretty priceless. She was wearing these small shorts that had a lot of age to them and a shirt that said 'my heart belongs to Tyrion Lannister'. She stared at me for a moment and then said, "Wô rènwéi diyù zhîshì dòngjié zài yīgè xiâo de. Nî zài zhèlî zuò shénme?"

I laughed a little bit because once again I knew what she said as soon as she said it, "I was laying around the house and I thought about what you said about ten years of pop culture to catchup on. I brought wine" and then I held up the bag.

She smiles at me, "You said the magic words, come on in." She took the bag from my and and lead me into her apartment and straight to the kitchen. She took on of the bottles and and started to open it. She looked at the label for a moment and then looked to me, "Why did you pick this bottle?"

I looked at her for a moment, "I don't know, I liked the label. Why? Is it not a favorite of yours?"

She shakes her head at me and then said, "No that's not it I've never had it before, it's just not a wine you would normally bring with you." She pours the wine into the oxidizer and then garbs and fills our glasses. "Okay Mr. Queen, what do you want to watch first?"

I take a sip of the wine and it is pretty good, "I am leaving myself completely in your capable hands Ms. Smoak." She just smiles at me and walks into the living room.

"I've got the perfect thing," she said to me and she walked to her DVD shelf and pulled out a thick box. She places the first DVD into the DVD player and pushes start. There were men walking in the snow laughing and giving each a hard time and then something happens and all but one of them die.

"What are we watching?"

"It's called Game of Thrones."

I'm not going to lie I was incredibly interested in what was happening on the screen, but there was a question that was kind of burning to get out so I just gave in and asked, "Why did you pick this first?"

Felicity looked from the screen and into my eyes with a smile on her face, "Because it was your favorite before your accident."

I just offered her a small smile and then looked back to the screen and watched the show. We didn't speak again for a long time and it didn't really bother me to much. Being around her feels effortless and it's a nice change of pace. When I'm with Laurel it really feels like work to keep up a good front. But here with Felicity I don't feel like I'm under some kind of microscope and there is no pressure on me because she has no expectation of me besides to be myself.

When the first disc ended Felicity got up and made popcorn for us and brought the rest of the wine before changing to the new disc.

"What was our friendship like before my accident?"

She stands up and walks back toward the couch, "We were very close. Before your accident you were my best friend. I never once felt like there wasn't anything I couldn't tell you because I never felt judged by you and I have said some pretty outlandish things to you."

"Like wh-"

"Don't even bother asking because I won't tell you. Living through that embarrassment once was bad enough."

I started laughing, I couldn't help myself and while I was laughing I wished I could remember some of these awkward things she says she has said to me. My laughter dies down and then I ask, "Why did I teach you Russian and Chinese? Did I ever tell you where and how I learned it?"

"No you never told me where and who taught you. And as for teaching me, you were trying to teach Diggle and sometimes I was around."

"So you just picked up Chinese because you were hanging around us?"

"Yeah basically. I'm smarter than you average blonde."

"How smart are we talking here?"

She looks down to hide the blush I see on her cheeks, "I was tested and according to all that I have an I.Q. of a hundred and forty. Of course sometime my I.Q. didn't help during our lessons because you have just finished working out and you wouldn't have a shirt on and I swear I literally would loose half of my I.Q. because you shirtless is beautifully distracting. How couldn't I be? I mean have you seen you? Your body is like art and oh my god I can't believe I just said that. Why did I say that? Right now is where you usually interrupt me so please by all means-"

I starting laughing so hard that I couldn't breath, "Thank you so much for that." It took me a couple minutes to regain my composer, "Is that the kind of outlandish things you have said to me in the past?"

Her cheeks were so red it looked like she had a fever, "Yeah kind of. I've said a lot worse than that... Trust me."

"What about my scars? Surely you don't think they're 'beautifully distracting' too."

She looked me in the eyes and chocked her head to the side, "Actually yeah I do. I personally think they are the best part of you. They show what you survived through some horrible events and came out stronger because on them." 

She started the disc and we continued with our Game of Thrones marathon. The sun was starting to set when her stomach made such a loud noise that it put attention back onto her. She had a huge smile on her face and the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen. I kind of got lost in my head for a second and then I fell into another memory that was actually staring her. 

I was standing with Diggle next to me and Felicity in front of me. I was holding a syringe and said, "I'm very particular about what it is I put in my body-"

"I've noticed," she then went quite for a moment and then said "I said 'not noticed' right?"

I couldn't contain my laughter then either and it took me an extra second to compose myself again and that's where the memory ended. I had a huge smile on my face and Felicity was giving me the strangest look with a phone pressed to her ear on the other side of the room, "What's so funny?"

"A memory just came back to me and it made me laugh."

"Please tell me it didn't involve me and a red dress or a red jacket... Please say there wasn't a red jacket..."

I started laughing at her again and said, "No there was no red dress or a red jacket... What happened with a red dress and jacket?"

She smiled at me again, "Those were the outfits for some of my more embarrassing moments." She sat back down on the couch with me, "Chinese will be here in a little while. Have a lot of memories come back to you? What's it like when they come back?"

I haven't told anybody about memories that have and haven't come back to me yet. I can't explain it, I just felt like it was ok to tell her, "I've had a couple small things come back to me. It's like watching a movie, I see myself from the outside and whatever the emotion that is happening in the memory comes to me. In one memory it was shame, another it was longing and contentment and when the memory ends the feelings linger for a little while longer."

"It must be so hard for you. To wake up and not know who you are. I'm so sorry this is happening to you Oliver."

"Thank you me too. Is there anything you can tell me about me? Anything at all?"

She took a deep breath and said, "I can tell you a lot about you. Your favorite jacket is an ugly brown one. Your favorite Chinese food is beef and broccoli. One of things that brought you joy was riding your motorcycle and another was making sure Thea was happy. When we first met you hated that I was immune to your playboy charm and despite that you have always been trustworthy. You would move heaven and earth for the people you care about."

"You make me sound like I was some amazing guy."

"You were Oliver and you still are. I had this boyfriend once (about a year and a half back) who was so charming and I thought he was wonderful. About six months into our relationship he freaked out one night about nothing and he slipped me. I broke up with him immediately, and for that I got a couple extra bruises. After it was all said and done I gave you and Diggle the brush off for a week so you guys wouldn't see the bruises. You got annoyed at me and showed up at my apartment and when you saw what my ex had done to me you went a little nuts. You went to his house and beat him within an inch of his life because he hurt me."

"I did?"

"Yeah, but he didn't know who you were so you got away with it."

I stopped for a moment and soaked up what she just told me. I know that if someone hurt Thea the way Felicity's ex hurt her I would kill him and not have an ounce of guilt for doing it either. Felicity must have been just as important to me if I was will to that for her also. Luckily my thought process was interrupted by the door bell and a delivery person with our Chinese food. We spent the rest of the night enjoying dinner and finishing season one of Game of Thrones. 

It was after eleven when I left Felicity's place and headed home. It was a really good day. I felt more relaxed when I got home than I have in a while. Like I said, being around Felicity just seems effortless. She told me that I was her best friend and I wouldn't find it hard to believe at all if someone told me that she was my best friend also. She seems like a pretty amazing person. We have plans to get back together next Sunday and start season two and in the spirit of honesty I really can't wait.

Oliver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translation : (Chinese) _Wô rènwéi diyù zhîshì dòngjié zài yīgè xiâo de. Nî zài zhèlî zuò shénme_ \- I think hell just froze over a little bit. What are you doing here?**


	7. Content and Bitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _The new update is up and I know it's short, I'm sorry for that. I have said it once and I'll say it again; my job as the author is to make you see characters the way I do and right now I solemn goal is to make you hate Laurel and if I'm doing my job right I should be succeeding. In other news, here are the names of my guessers from my last chapter and this chapter is for you guys_ :**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>    
>  **Farmgirl1964  
> **  
>  **TheVeganTragaryen**
> 
>  
> 
> ****Disclaimer : _Season 2 of Arrow starts in 8 days, but I still don't own it_

April 11, 2016

Dear Journal,

I was floating at a level of slight contentment for the last couple days and I have to be honest I have actually enjoyed it. On Monday Speedy and I had breakfast and she was asking how I spent my Sunday and I was a little worried for a second to tell her the truth but then I thought back to how warm Speedy was toward Felicity at my birthday thing and it just felt kind of right. Speedy looked so thrilled that I spent the day with Felicity you would have thought I had just told her all my memories came back. It made me feel good though and she then told me why she holds such a torch for Felicity. A couple years back, Roy was having a really hard time with drugs. Felicity set up a whole alias for Roy so he could privately check into a rehab place and say completely off the radar since it wasn't a secret that Roy and Speedy were in a relationship at the time. I don't know much about Felicity and I haven't spent much time with her, but from what I have gathered about her she does seem like the person who would move heaven and earth to help a friend.

I had another dream the night before last. I was surrounded by that smell again. I could feel her body against me only this time it was naked, but it was completely clothed either. I feel the telling texture of some sort of a bra against my chest, but that isn't my complete focus at that moment. What I am paying attention to is soft lips that are running along my scars. She takes her time with each scar and making sure to run her lips along the complete length of each scar... And I mean each scar. She paid extra attention to one of my smallest scars, I mean it's barely there but as she ran her hands over my body she ran her perfect lips over this tiny scar over and over again. I have no idea if this was the beginning to the same night as when I left her bed or if this was another one and right now I would give my entire trust fund to know the answer to that question.

I also had a memory come to me today while I was with Laurel, but it had nothing to do with Laurel. 

We went to one of her friend's house that we were double dating with. When we walked in the boyfriend (whose name I don't remember) was watching a Rocky movie and that ridicules song Eye of the Tiger was on and as I heard it I was taken to this room that was made of stone and light. I had a bamboo stick in each hand and I was fighting with Diggle who had a large smile on his face. 

He hit me behind the knee and said, "You know Oliver, I kind of like it when you're coming back from an injury... I actually get to win for a change" and then he hit me in my lower back.

I then said, "Just looking for my rhythm Dig."

As soon as those words left my mouth Eye of the Tiger filled the room and I look over to some computers and Felicity pokes her head out from behind them with a huge smile on her face. I chuckle a little to myself and then I feel the bamboo across my shoulder blades making me hiss in pain.

I then hear Diggle say, "Felicity, stop trying to be the funny one... We all know I'm the funny one in this group."

"If you say so Dig at least we all know I'm the adorable one in our ménage à trois- damn it will I ever think before I speak," she asked turning bright red.

I stand up straight again and with a huge smile on my face say, "You're not as adorable as you think you are."

She cuts the music and laughs out loud then screams, "Lies! Now quit playing around you two, or aside from being the adorable one am I also the only one that works too?" Diggle and I both laugh at this time and get back to our brutal workout.

That's where the memory ended and when I checked back into myself. I felt a huge smile on my face and then Laurel came up to me and asked me why I was smiling. When I came time for me to answer the question I lied. I can't tell you why I did it, I really can't. It was just that to me, the memory seemed personal almost kind of sacred. I was around people (people not Laurel or Tommy) and I was happy and laughing and I REALLY didn't want to share it with her.

My lie was, "I just had a memory come to me, I like Game of Thrones."

She let out a slow exhale and shook her head at me, "Well that's a little disappointing. That show is so overrated and it demeans women to no extent. I'm not going to lie Ollie, I'm a little disappointed in you."

That right there was the perfect example of why I didn't want to share the truth with her. I didn't want her to find a way to undercut this memory that felt like it was very near and dear to me. 

The Laurel now is so different than the Laurel in my head. The Laurel in my head is kind and comforting and warm, while the Laurel here now is disconnected and cold and jaded. 

As I think about I guess it's understandable, with Tommy and Sarah and her mom... I mean I get it. I really do, but I have Speedy and Roy and Diggle and Felicity and they are doing their best to try to help me, but I kind of feel like she isn't doing all she could do to help me. I'm sure I'm just being selfish. 

I'm sure me not having my memories isn't easy for her either. To see the person you were so close with that he was willing to purpose and have him not knowing the details of your recent relationship must be very hard. 

Whether this is hard for her or not I feel like she should try to be more supportive and it was this thought that knocked me off of my cloud of contentment and I have spent the rest of the evening feeling pretty damn bitter. 

I can't wait for the weekend. Saturday I have guys night with John and Roy and then of course Sunday I'm hanging out Felicity... And since no one but me reads this I feel completely ok saying that I'm looking forward to the latter more.

Oliver


	8. My Best Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _Sorry this update took so long. I have been having a really hard time this semester, but I'm not going to bore you guys with all that. I don't have much to say besides I hope you enjoy and warn you that I only read through this once, so I'm sorry for the errors. Also, granted this is currently rated T I'm really pushing that line a little bit and if you're easily offended I would skip a couple paragraphs. There isn't lemon or smut, but there is a little extra detail than what is really necessary._**
> 
> ****Spoiler Alert** - _This update does have reference to the first episode of the second season... Can't say I didn't warn you._**
> 
> **Disclaimer : _If I owned Arrow, Laurel would have died instead of Tommy and Oliver would removed his head from his ass by now and would be head over heels in love with Felicity... But I don't and that bitch is still alive._**

April 16, 2016 1:27 am

Dear Journal,

I just got home from hanging out with Felicity and I have this bent up energy and sleeping kind of seems impossible, so I figured I'd write since I haven't since Wednesday. 

On Friday afternoon detective Lance stopped by to ask me another couple question about Helena Bertinelli, I told him since I still had no memories of her I was going to be no help to him. He says that there seems to be some evidence that her death was a hired hit and he wanted to see if there was anything I had remembered that might help with the investigation. I know I should feel something in the event of her death, but I don't. I know this should make me feel kind of like a terrible human being, but you can't miss what you never had and as far as memory in concerned I never had her. 

I spent Friday night on the couch with Speedy. She put on a movie, but we didn't pay to much attention to it. She was picking out wedding invitations and I decided to help her. I still don't think there is a man alive worthy of her, but Roy is a pretty good guy and I can see how happy he makes Thea. In the end that's what really matter, right?

I had another dream that night. This time I was inside of her and the only thing I heard was her moans and my deep breaths while I was completely surrounded by her scent. I could feel her warm body wrapped around my hard member and she was silently begging me for more. When I woke up I was covered in sweat, breathing heavily and so firm that it actually hurt.

I spent Saturday night with Diggle and Roy. Roy decided to not open the club tonight and is just making up what people are missing out in tips and what not by beefing up their checks and calling it a "bonus". We spent the night playing poker and having a few drinks. 

They asked me about my relationship with Laurel and had no problem sharing their thoughts on it... Especially Roy. Apparently Laurel has had him arrested more times than he was willing to share and he is convinced that I could do so much better than her. I'll give him this much, he has no problem stating his mind. He kind of reminds me of Tommy in the way and accepting him as the man Thea wants to spend the rest of her life with is slowly getting easier.

Diggle told me of the last couple times Laurel and I had been together. There was a time right before Tommy died and she then told me I was a mistake after he died. There was another time a year and a half later and that lasted about six months and then I broke it off because apparently my heart wasn't completely in it and that was the last time we were together.

I asked them about my mind set a couple months before my accident and they told me that I seemed a bit stand off-ish and then one day walked in and seemed happier than they had seen me in a long while. I asked them if it might have had something to do with the ring and the woman it was meant for.

Before they could answer though some very large guys busted through the door and spoiled the positive vibe in the room. There was six of them and they had guns and were screaming for us to give them whatever money we had club. They pulled us from the poker table and lined us up pointing guns in our face. None of us said anything and when all six of them got close enough to us we attacked in perfect unison. 

Diggle took out his two by throwing some perfectly aimed punches while Roy used a little more space and bounced around a bit, but what was shocking was that I took my two out with a combination of both. I punched one just right and then was able to knock him out while his buddy pointed his gun at me and then I grabbed at it, flipped him and then I had the gun pointed at his head. I didn't shoot him though, I flipped the gun around and bashed him in the head with the grip.

I didn't know I could do that. I don't know how I knew how to do that, but then I thought back the memory I had had earlier this week and it kind of made since. I've decided to see what I can dig up on that and hopefully something more will come back to me. 

Thanks to those jack asses the night was kind of over after that though. We called the cops and made our statements and then decided to call it a night. Roy drove us back to the manor and on out way I had this memory come to me: 

It smelled musky and damp. I was fighting with a very larger man in a black shirt and green pants. We had bamboo sticks in our hands like what I was doing with Diggle in my memory from earlier this week. I held my own against him fairly well, until a woman in a green hood walked into the area and then he hit me hard and I fell to my knees.

Roy pulled me from my memory by shaking me and saying my name over and over again. I shook the the image out of my head and put on a face of indifference as I climbed from the car and went inside the house.

I hardly slept that night. I worked out all around my room again, doing pull ups and push ups... So when I got a text from Felicity around seven in the morning telling me I could come over whenever it was more than welcomed. 

I showered, changed, raided the kitchen for bagels and fruit, and the wine feller for later today; I was walking out the door thirty minutes after is received her message. Fifteen minutes after I walked out the door I was knocking on her door. I may or may not have broken a street law or two to get there faster, but in my defense I have been looking forward to this I had my memory of her and Diggle on Wednesday.

When she opened the door she had no make up on her face, she still had sleep in her eyes and she was still in her pajamas the consisted of bright purple short shorts with colorful flowers all over them and shirt that was also bright purple with one large flower on the front that read, "Remember to always look at the bright side" and for half a second I couldn't remember a more beautiful woman. I shook those thoughts from my head right away though because I'm suppose to be with Laurel.

Though I have only spent a limited time Around her it still didn't surprise me that she she greeted me with a foreign language electing to use Russian this time, "Ya ne khotel, chtoby u vas bylo priyekhat' kak mozhno skoreye." She then paused and said, "You don't look to good... Are you ok?"

To keep up with patterns I replied to her in Russian, "Ya ne spal proshloy noch'yu." I stopped speaking for a moment and then held up the bags I was carrying, "I brought breakfast for now and wine for later."

She just smiled at me and stepped to the side to let me walk in. As I walked into her kitchen I heard her ask, "Do you wanna talk about it? You don't have too, but if you want to I'll listen."

I looked up at her and I don't know what came over me but I told her everything from last night. The guys who tried to rob us and the memory I had in the car on the way home to the manor. She didn't interrupt me, she just listened and I couldn't bring myself to look at her until I finished speaking.

Her eyes looked a little sad behind her thick rimmed glasses and then she spoke, "You had a memory of Lian Yu and by the sounds of it the plane you took shelter in for a long time."

"Have I told you about the island?"

"A little bit here and there. I only know where you're talking about because I've been there before. After the Undertaking you took off there while everyone believed you were in Europe. I found you almost right away, but Diggle and decided it was best to give you some space and when Queens Consolidated was about to be bought out we went there to bring you home. And of course I find one of the only freaking land mines on that blasted island and you end up on top of me half naked and sweaty and let me tell you that fantasy never involved me laying in the dirt or clothed-" She stopped speaking for a moment and took a breath then started speaking again more to herself than to me, "I told myself I wasn't going to say anything embarrassing... Way to go Smoak."

I smiled at her, "So you and Diggle came to get me?"

She just slightly smiled and said, "Yup." She then changed the topic telling me to go into the living room and season two of Game of Thrones was set up and waiting for me. She went to change and then brought breakfast into the living room.

I was once again in a situation that I felt completely at ease. I wondered if it was like this with my mystery woman since I already knew it wasn't that way with Laurel. I watched the show and enjoyed it, but I also spent a good amount of time inside my head going over the last month and thinking about what the guys said the night before. I think I have realized that maybe I'm pressing the situation with Laurel and maybe there is a possibility that it isn't her after all. 

One thing that I have to say I very much enjoy about Felicity is that I can sit in silence around her and not feel like it's an awkward silence. After finish season two of Game of Thrones it was about six in the evening. She ordered us pizza that I insisted to pay for because she bought dinner last week. We decided to take a break from Game of Thrones and she turned on a set of movies loosely based on some show called Star Trek. The movies were pretty good, she laughed and told me about how she tried so hard to get me to watch the show with her and everything I sat to watch it with her I fell asleep and that made me laugh a little bit. 

She fell asleep toward the end of the second movie and she shifted herself so that her head was laying on my lap. She must be really comfortable with me to do that. I'm not even going to bother lying to myself, with her head laying on my lap I was over run with a small warmth that started in my heart. 

I lifted her head and moved out from underneath her, removed her glasses from her face, and wrapped a blanket tight around her. I turned off her television and turned off all of the lights (except for the one in the kitchen) and I as I walked out the door making sure to lock the bottom lock, I thought of how she told me I was her best friend and as I looked one last time at her the thought came to me that it is VERY likely that and most likely true that she was mine and it is becoming true again. 

Oliver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Translation:**
> 
> **_Ya ne khotel, chtoby u vas bylo priyekhat' kak mozhno skoreye_ \- I did not mean you had to come over right away**
> 
> **_Ya ne spal proshloy noch'yu_ \- I did not sleep last night**


	9. "... I failed you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _I'm sorry about the long-ish wait for this chapter. I'm not going to give you guys a sob story, all I'm going to say is that I have had a rough couple of weeks and my heart hasn't been into doing much of anything. I hope you guys enjoy it none the less and you have a good weekend._**
> 
> **Disclaimer : _You guessed it, Arrow still isn't mine_**

April 18, 2013

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning gasping for air and covered in sweat because of the memory that came to me in my sleep. It had nothing to do with being in bed with a woman that I don't know, there were no warmth, soft kisses or light moans. In its stead was cold and pain in my knuckles and grunts of pain and pure hatred. 

I was on top of someone and the only thing I could make out was that he had dark hair. Everything else was completely unrecognizable because his whole face was covered in blood. He was letting out light moans, but that was it and he was completely still. My hands were black which was weird and slightly out of place, but despite that and the pain I was feeling in them I kept punching him... Over and over again.

What pulled me from my tunnel vision of rage was Diggle's voice yelling at me, "Oliver stop! You're killing him!"

Hearing Diggle's voice only made me pause for a moment and then I went back to beating the man below me, "He hurt her Diggle! He treated her like she was less than nothing and marked her skin, tell someone who deserves to die more than him!"

I felt Diggle put a hand on each shoulder and try to pull me away, "I know he did Oliver, I just came from her place. And I know right now you want to kill him and a few years ago I wouldn't have stopped you, but you have to remember Tommy and that if you kill this man it's an insult to Tommy's memory. Think of Felicity. Do you really think she would want you to burden yourself with this piece of shit's murder?"

Hearing Felicity's name sent a calm through me and my fist stopped mid-swing. I stood from the body I was beating and turned toward Diggle. He pushes cloth from my head and places a hand on each side of my neck to hold my head still. He's looked at me the way a dad would look at his son, a look with love and concern. Neither one of us say anything and soon Diggle drops his hands from me and gestured his head toward the door. I take a couple steps and then look back down at the broken body that is still laying on the floor unmoving. Quicker than I can process I walk back over to the body and deliver the hardest swiftest kick in his balls then turn from the form and walk out the door. 

That's when I woke up and I was so angry that it felt like it just happened. I remember Felicity telling me what I did, but actually have that memory fresh in my mind just makes it so much more real. I thought she was exaggerating that I had beaten him within an inch if his life and I was more than willing to actually take his life from him. The way Diggle made it sound it sounded like killing someone wasn't a new thing for me, maybe it's just the way I took it.

A little later, after I organized my thought what I'm assuming was the rest of the memory came to me. Diggle and I walked down a long staircase into the room of concrete and light and I saw Felicity sitting on a metal table biting her finger nails. She looks to Diggle first who just shakes his head and then she looks to me.

One of her eyes were purple and the other looked more yellow, she also had blue on her left cheek and a huge gash on the right side of her lip. I felt the rage surge through me again and before I could turn back toward the door to leave again she ran toward me and threw her arms around my neck. I feel the shirt I'm wearing gain moisture and I know without actually looking at her that she is crying.

I remember my body going kind of rigid right before I give into to myself and wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me. I hear her talking into my clothing and every so often I can make out a random "Thank you" or "... It'll be ok."

When I heard her apologize into my chest I slightly pushed her from me and asked, "What could you possibly have to apologize for?"

She was the first one to break the physical contact between us completely by backing away from me, "I'm sorry I kept brushing you off so you wouldn't find out. I'm sorry that you found out the way you did, but mostly I'm sorry that I made you so mad that you almost killed him. I know how important it is to you that you keep your promise you made in the honor of Tommy."

She turned to walk away from me but I wouldn't let her, "You have no reason to be sorry. Yes I try to honor Tommy's memory by not killing, but I also promised myself that I would NEVER let anything or anyone urticaria and I wasn't there. You didn't fail me Felicity, I failed you."

That's where the memory ended. I called Laurel almost immediately after the memory was over and asked her if she could find out some details for me like who the guy was and if he knew who attacked him. When she asked me why I was so interested in this guy all of a sudden I told her that I had a memory about him, but instead of telling her that I remembered almost killing him I told her that I thought he was a friend of mine but I couldn't remember his name. It took a lot of convincing to get her to help me, but she eventually gave in.

We agreed to dinner right before we got off the phone with each other. As far as dates go it was okay I guess. She mostly talked about her work and her day. Under normal conditions her talking about herself for most of the night would have annoyed the shit out of me, but the memory I had has been running threw my head all day and with her continually talking about herself I was able to escape I to my own head and loose myself in my own thoughts.

As the night wore on she told me she hadn't had any luck on getting the information that I asked her for and hiding the disappointment was almost to overwhelming to hide... Almost. I put on my face of indifference and agreed to go up to her place for some coffee. We talked for a while and like I have said so many times before, I couldn't relax around her.

Talking eventually lead to kissing which lead to her bedroom. When we went into the room she and I started to take each other's clothes off. I ran my hands all over her body and the only thing I could think of was her skin wasn't as warm as the girl in my dreams. I also could only think about the sounds escaping from Laurel didn't sound as rhythmic as my dream girl's did. 

When she finally took off my shirt I could tell she was purposely only touching the skin that surrounds my scars and not the scars themselves. I moved one of hands to one of the scars on my abdomen, but she snatched her hand away so fast that it was almost shocking. 

"I'm sorry Oliver, but your scars are just brutal that I kind of don't like the way they feel against my hand."

I took a step back from her after she said that. The woman from my dreams savored every single one of my scars, showing them love and giving me comfort and Laurel couldn't even bring herself to touch them. It hurt I'm not even going to try to use the energy to lie to myself about it. I put my pants and shirt back on and left. Before I left I told her that I didn't think we should do what we were about to do because of how screwed up my mind was. She said she understood and walked me to the door. 

As I drove home the memory from this morning was no longer running on a loop in my head, but I was replaced by a conversation I had with Felicity the night when we first hung out after my accident, 

_"What about my scars? Surely you don't think they're 'beautifully distracting' too."_

_"Actually yeah I do. I personally think they are the best part of you. They show what you survived through some horrible events and came out stronger because on them."_

I have so many questions about so many things and I have no clue how I'm suppose to find the answers. I think after Laurel gets the info I asked for I'm going to go see Felicity. I can't explain it but I really think that if I'm going to get any answers I know she will be the one to give them to me.

Oliver


	10. Never Ending Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _Here is the next chapter. It's angsty, but it has a lot of heart in it. I'm sure a few of you are going to be really annoyed at this chapter, so I'm sorry ahead of time. This is going to be a slow burn story (if you haven't you caught on to that yet) so that's why I wrote this chapter the way I did. If you're interested in the Felicity/Jack/Oliver tale, I did write a one shot that tells the whole story so feel free to check that out... If you do I hope you like it. I hope everyone has a good week and hopefully you enjoy the update._**
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Disclaimer : _No matter how many stars I wish upon, Arrow and Oliver Queen still aren't mine_ :(_ **

April 20, 2016

I feel like the ground has sunk out from underneath me and I'm not falling down but up and I don't know if I'm ever going to hit some sort of a surface. I have barely slept since Tuesday morning when I woke up from the memory that came back to me. I have been too afraid to sleep. I knew I might not like what I would find out about myself, but I could have never guessed it was going to be this bad.

I found myself at Queens Consolidated yesterday morning... Early yesterday morning. I rode the elevator all the way up and sat in front of the desk that had a name plate sitting on it and on that name plate it read, "Felicity Smaok." I have no idea how long I sat there and I wouldn't bother to try and guess either. The sun was down when I arrived and she didn't walk in until after the sun had been in the sky completely for sixty eight minutes and forty six seconds... I counted.

When she walked in she was with Walter and she stopped mid sentence when she saw me at her desk. Walter really has a shine for Felicity, I saw it when he excused her from work. There was no questions, concerns just a small smile and a short statement telling her she had the day and as many other days she needs off. 

She looped her arm through mine and asked where I wanted to go. I told her that I wanted to go to her place. I've never felt judged by her and I really felt like I just needed to be completely surrounded by her and her presence, so her place seemed logical.

She drove us since I walked to QC, again it just seemed logical. When we got to her place I went right to her couch and sat down. She disappeared for a moment just to return in what I'm assuming was more comfortable clothes. She changed a black turtle neck and poke a dot skirt to yet another one of her odd pajama outfits. This one had rainbows all over the pants and the shirt had a my little pony on it and I just had to smile.

She brought us both coffee and sat down next to me. I sipped the coffee she gave me waiting for to ask me what was wrong, or why was I waiting for her at her office but she never did. She just sat there and stared at me, at least I think she was staring I couldn't for the life of me look from the mug in my hands to her face.

I counted out twenty three minutes and thirteen seconds before I finally spoke, "A memory came back to me."

When I looked up to her I could see that ever muscle in her body went completely stiff before she asked, "Really? What did you remember?"

"I remembered when I attacked that ex of yours... The one that beat you up. I also saw you, you looked so fragile. The memory came to me so strong that I actually felt the anger and the hatred all over again. I almost killed him Felicity and worst bit is that I didn't seem to care, not in the least." I took a deep breath and then more to myself than her I repeated, "I almost killed him."

I felt her put her hand on my shoulder and then she said, "Oliver you can't beat yourself up about this. You can't be shocked that people die, whether it be murder, self defense, cancer, anything really. You shouldn't be, it's a natural part of life. Instead you should be surprised-"

"... That I'm still alive," I finished for her. "How did I know you were going to say that?"

She gave me a small smile and said, "Because I have said it to you more times than I would even try to guess."

We sat in comfortable silence for an unmeasurable amount of time until the silence was broken with the ringing of my cell phone. It was Laurel and the clock on my phone told me that I had already been at Felicity's for four hours. I excused myself from the couch and went into the kitchen. 

"Hello?"

"Hi Ollie, I just wanted to give you a call and apologize for the other night."

I hung my head when she said that for two reasons: reason one was that I really didn't believe it. Her words sounded forced making it hard to believe her. Reason two was that (and at the risk of sounding like a total woman) she hurt me. I'm having a hard time with not remembering ten years of my life, ten years worth of scars that tell a story of major hardship that I survived and she went out of her way not to touch them. I don't care who you are or how tough you're suppose to be, that fucking hurts.

I decided to keep all that to myself though and said, "Don't worry about it, okay?"

Her sounded a little more cheerful when she spoke again, "Great, thank you. It's so great to know we are on the same page." I tightened my hand into a fist and then she spoke again, "Oh speaking of pages, I got the information you asked for. His name is Jack Nelson, a ways back he was attacked in his apartment and suffered major injuries."

I unclenched my fist and ran my hand over and down my face and then asked, "Did they ever find who roughed him up?"

"Yeah, well kind of. They know exactly who attacked him, but finding him is a completely different story."

"Who was it?"

"The Arrow."

My legs almost gave out when she said that, "You're kidding me right?"

"No why would I?"

I didn't even bother saying good-bye or anything I just hung up the phone. I kept thinking to myself that there was no possible way. The Arrow or Green Arrow or whatever is still active since my accident so Laurel has to have gotten it wrong. She had to be... At least that's what I kept telling myself.

I walked back in the living room and when Felicity looked up at me; the words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them, "Am I the Green Arrow?"

She closed her eyes for a moment and then she took a deep breath, "What made you ask that?"

I got a little annoyed at her avoidance of the question but answered anyways, "I asked Laurel to do a little checking up on Jack Nelson and according to the file, he was attacked by the vigilantly and since you and I both know it was me who attacked him... So, am I him?"

She stood up and walked toward me and placed a hand on each cheek, "The night that you went after Jack, you were the vigilante and not Oliver."

I could feel tears burning in my eyes, but I wouldn't let them fall, "What does that even mean Felicity?"

"The Arrow fights for his city and fights for the underdogs in it. When you came to my place and saw what he did to me you were set on defending me. You wanted to make sure I knew I was protected and that's exactly what the Arrow does. So like I said, that night you were the Arrow and not Oliver."

The tears were close to getting away from me and when Felicity pressed her forehead to mine I lost the fight and they rolled down my face. Felicity didn't let them get to far down my face before she would wipe them away.

I didn't recognize my voice when I heard myself say, "I can't do this anymore. I don't know myself. I don't understand my scars. I don't understand my dreams. I don't know if their dreams or memories. I have this constant empty feeling, like I'm not all really here."

I didn't realize how hard I actually broke down until she moved my head to her shoulder. I haven't really thought about how sad I've been since I woken up. I've kept it all to myself, I haven't wanted to bother people with it. And all at once it came out. I mentioned my mother committing mass murder that killed Tommy. A thirteen year old Thea that is planning her wedding. I also talked about my father and how much I hated that he died while I survived.

I hated myself at that moment. I was having a mental break down on front of someone (for all intensive purposes) I don't know. Never for a second did I feel judged though. After what felt like forever she moved us to the couch and went and got me tea instead of coffee. 

I knows she's not telling me something. It's hard to explain, but there is a tension that she was putting out and really at the moment I can care a less. She holding back and that's fine. I'm more depressed now than I think I have ever been, so her holding back is probably for the best... I can only bend so far until I break and I think I'm already broken.

I stayed on Felicity's couch until this afternoon. I slept for about a hour before I woke up with a start. Felicity was there the whole time. She treated me kind of like a sick child. She was never farther than a separate room away from me. And when I woke up she soothed me like a child startled from a nightmare. It's not that far off though is it? Since I woke up in the hospital, this whole experience seems to be a never ending nightmare.

Oliver


	11. Truth Not Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _Sorry this took so long. I wrote and deleted this chapter a couple times because the episodes of Arrow that have been on lately have been so amazing I couldn't figure out how to work them into this chapter. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy it none the less._**
> 
> **Disclaimer : _I keep wishing for it over and over again, but I still don't own Arrow or Oliver Queen... Life is so unfair sometimes._**

April 24, 2016

Dear Journal,

I haven't written in a few days because my heart hasn't really been in it... Actually that's kind of a lie, my heart hasn't been in much of anything lately. I've been keeping to myself the best I can, but the people in my life have been making it difficult. John seems to always be there and by there I mean everywhere. Even after I have yelled and screamed at him to piss off he wouldn't leave me to myself. I even tried firing him... Twice. Needless to say it didn't work.

I broke it off with Laurel last night. I told her that right now in my current state I'm way to fucked up for a relationship and I need to fix me first before I can try to fix her. She ended the conversation with a lot of incredibly insulting words and I mean truly insulting, to the extent that if they weren't pointed at me I would have actually been impressed... As far as I can recall I've never remember hearing her use such language. Then when I told Speedy about the break up with Laurel, that smug little shit took a trip down the wine cellar and called it celebration, which made me laugh for the first time in days.

I had a memory come to me this morning while I was in the shower: 

Felicity was there and we were in the room of concrete and light again. She was standing in front of me and she was angry, "Oliver please, I really don't want to talk about this anymore."

"No, I need to make you understand-"

"You know for a fact I'm not as dumb as you're treating me right now. I understand why people sleep together, I've had sex before. I understand the appeal of it. What I'm having a hard time understanding is why did you sleep with her. I'm pretty sure that woman (because I refuse to say her name) was who J.K. Rowling had in mind when she wrote Bellatrix Lestrange. I would say Voldemort, but since he was a male and I assume she is a female or maybe she is a male-"

"Felicity! I keep telling you it didn't mean anything and it didn't. We had been drinking and she telling me that she saw me. She can see that I'm lonely and full of self loathing-"

"Well she must be a rocket scientist! The billionaire who spent five years stranded on an island is lonely. Wow she makes Sherlock Holmes look like a secretary," she then turned to walk away but I grabbed her upper arm.

"Well excuse the hell out of me, but having someone see through my masks is a nice change of pace," I said probably a bit louder than I needed to.

She looked down at my hand still holding her arm and then back up to my face and I literally watched her whole body completely tense, "So she sees you, that's what appealed to you at that moment." She pulled her arm from my hold then walked to a deck and leaned against it. "She sees you," she said in a whisper looking at her hands. She then made eye contact with me and then loudly said, "Well then she probably sees that despite the fact that you're a dominate right handed person you eat and drink with your left. She probably knows that you always lead with your right foot. That when you get angry you take your thumb and press it to the inside of both your index finger and middle finger on your right hand... I always suspected that it has something to do with pulling bow strings.

"Since she sees you she knows that you square your shoulders when you're in an uncomfortable situation and that your eyes become noticeably three shades lighter whenever Thea walks into the room. Or that-"

"You need to stop this now Felicity," I cut in.

"Why? You want to be seen, so I'm-"

"I KNOW YOU SEE ME!" I watched her eyes grow as large as large as plates and instantly regretted my tone. I then cleared my throat and spoke again this time not nearly as loud, "I know you see me Felicity and I know unlike anyone else (quiet possibly in the world) you know me." I walked closer to her and she then closed her eyes. I reached my hand toward her cheek but stop myself and bring it back down to my side. 

She opens her eyes and looks to mine, "You're right I do see you and I do know you. Please Oliver can we not talk about this anymore. I want to be over this and I can't do that when you keep trying talk about this with me. I just want to be over all of this."

I hold eye contact with her for a moment or two. I couldn't find any words, so I simply nodded my head and walked away.

That's where the memory ended. The intensity of the memory knocked the air completely out of me and after I composed myself I then decided to go see Felicity today even though it was Saturday and we only hang out on Sundays.

When I got to her place I knocked on the door and when she opened the door I didn't even try to hide the smile that spread across my lips. She was wearing a shirt that had a red bow tie near the top collar and pajama pants that had some sort of blue phone booth on them. 

"Oliver, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is really wrong, but I had a memory come back to me and I didn't really understand it."

"Why do you think I can help?"

"Because the memory involved you."

Her whole body went stiff for half a second at most and then she relaxed and stepped to the side so I could go in. I went straight to her couch and sat down at one end she then sat at the other end. She was still a bit tense and as I told her about the memory she still didn't relax.

When I fished my short tale I asked, "Who was she? Why were we fighting about it? Were we in a relationship or something?"

She shook her head for a couple seconds like she was trying to organize her thoughts. "She was (and as far as I'm concerned) still is an epic bitch. We were fighting because you kept not giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and it killed me to watch. You're truly one of the best people I have ever met in my life and I think you deserve nothing short of perfect."

A million questions were running through my head and I think it actually physically pained me to only ask a single question at a time, "What was her name?"

"I refuse to say her name. I'm sure she is the antichrist and if I say her name I'm fairly certain it will give her the power to suck out my soul."

I started laughing so hard that it brought tears to my eyes, "Okay, what does bow strings have to do with anything?"

I physically watch the shine leave her eyes and she said, "Her name is Isabel Rochev she was a partner for Queens Consolidated for a long while. Walter's company eventually bought her company out. I still think she's the antichrist."

"You do know that I see you're avoiding some of my questions right? You have been for a while," I said feeling myself get slightly angry.

She sat a little more straight and said, "Yeah I know you do, but I don't want to overwhelm with too much at once. There is so much more to you than just a spoiled rich kid Oliver and some of it will be harder to hear then some other stuff."

"Have I killed people," I asked before I could stop myself thinking back to the memory I had almost a week ago. I watched her hesitate and then I said, "Tell me the truth."

"Um... Uh..." She remained silent for what could have possibly been hours but was in fact only a couple moments, "Yeah you have. Some of your scars are results of torture that you suffered on the island and you..." she trailed off and I filled in the blanks.

My anger toward her only got worse. I then asked, "How much do you know about the island and what happened to me there? Really?"

She took a deep breath and looked to her hands, "A lot... Not everything, but a lot."

"Tell me what you know!"

She looked me in the eyes and with a very calm voice she responded, "No. Right now in your head you Ollie. Ollie goes to parties with Tommy and pees on cops and despite all of that, Ollie still has an innocence that Oliver hasn't had for a very long time. I refuse to take that innocence from you. As things come to you I'll be more than willing to help fill in blanks the best I can, but I will not inflict unnecessary damage to you or your psyche if I don't have too. You carried the pain alone for a very long time and now it's my turn to carry it for you. You told me things to help make the burden easier and I'm not going to weigh you down again."

I heard everything she said to me... I really did. But I couldn't stop the anger that I was feeling. I shot up from the couch and started yelling at her and for the life of me I can't remember a single word I said. I just kept yelling and yelling and she just took it, all of it. She didn't say anything in her defense or to stand up for herself, she just sat on her side of the couch with her hands folded in her lap using her eyes to follow me as a paced her living room yelling at her and it wasn't until I expended all my energy that I sat back down on the couch.

I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head to my hands. I felt Felicity shuffle herself across the couch and then wrapped her arms tightly around me and then rested her chin on my shoulder.

We stayed like this for what seemed like forever and then she said, "I can't even begin to understand what all of this has been like for you and I'm not going to lie to you and make like I do, but please understand that I'm trying my best to protect you the only way I know how."

"For all intensive purposes I don't know you Felicity. I don't know very much about you aside from what I have learned about you in the last month, but I seem to keep finding myself here when I need comfort and there has to be a reason for that and I'm just going to go with it okay. But I need you to tell me the truth from now on. I've been asking you questions because deep down I really believe that you'll tell me the truth please don't make me wrong."

She pulled away from me and I looked at her in time to see her nod. "The man and woman you remembered from Lian Yu," she paused and waited until I nodded to continue "their names were Slade and Shado."

I sat straight up and asked, "What did I tell you about them?"

Her body went stiff again, "Not a whole lot. They were on the island with you for a while. Shado is the one who taught you Chinese and you once told me she was the only good thing about that place."

I wanted to feel hope that maybe she was the one the ring was for, but when I asked Felicity what happened to this Shado woman she didn't answer me and simply shook her head.

I didn't say much for the rest of the day. She set herself to tasks in the kitchen like making tea and pop corn. We spent the day silently watching a show called Firefly because we both didn't want to watch Game to Thrones. The only time either of us spoke was when she was talking with the dialogue of the show and I ordered us Thai food and stressed that there was to be nothing nut related in the food at all. That lead to Felicity laughing at me a little. 

When I asked her what was so funny she pointed out that I knew she was allergic to nuts, I still didn't understand why it was funny until she pointed out that she never told me of her allergy. I remembered something without noticing I remembered it and it kept a small smile on my face for a little while.

When I went to leave her place later in the evening she stood on her tip toes and placed a small kiss to my cheek and said, "I'm sorry about earlier today. I'm just trying to take care of you like you've always taken care of me."

I held eye contact with her for a moment taking a second to admire the perfect combination of grey and blue in them and then said, "It's fine. I understand why you did it. Just I need your help now, not your protection." She nodded at me and then I did something that I still don't regret; I leaned in and placed a kiss to her forehead and enjoyed her warmth for a moment before I pulled away from her and walked away.

Now that I write it all down and go through the pages I've written in already something has just kind of came into focus for me... I'd say about eighty percent of the memories I've had thus far have all in someway stared Felicity.

Oliver


	12. The Right Fit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _Hello all! I'm so sorry about the long wait, there's no excuse I can really give you guys so I'll give you guys the truth. I've gotten some less then awesome reviews that were a little on the harsher side and add that to how badly my creative writing class laid into me about my writing (it was bad enough I left school early and drank a bottle of wine at noon) I kind of lost my confidence for a couple weeks, but because my reader and supporters mean so much to me I wanted to make sure I post a chapter for you guys for Christmas. So here it is and merry Christmas to you all and happy new year since I probably won't post again until the new year. I love you guys._**
> 
> **Fun Fact : _1865 Chateau Lafite is $27,000 bottle of wine... You'll understand at the end of the chapter_**
> 
> **Disclaimer : _I don't own Arrow or it's characters and I definitely don't own the wonderful Diggle line I used from the episode Vendetta_**

April 26, 2016

Dear Journal,

I spent the majority of yesterday in my room in complete silence, I locked the door and sent out a mass text message to the whole four people I interact with and told them I wanted a day of solitude. Everyone seemed to understand, they all sent messages agreeing to my terms... Well everyone except for Felicity. She wanted to make tell me "psychologically speaking it's better to surround yourself with loved ones." When I sent out the message I kind of knew that if anyone was going to argue with my request to be alone it was going to be her... And low and behold I was right. To tell the truth it made me laugh a little.

I spent the day staring at the ring that has been in the back of my mind since I returned from the hospital. I said the engraving to myself a million times yesterday and counted the sparkles in the gems. I can tell you every single physical characteristic of that damned ring, but I am no closer to knowing who it was made for.

I also saturated my pillow in that scent yesterday and threw out the day I was taken back to smelling the scent off of an open shoulder with flawless skin or on a completely naked body underneath my hands as I take my time exploring every inch of the warm flesh or in shining yellow hair as lips pay homage to evidence of my hardships from the island. 

Watching all of this over and over in my head again is the perfect combination of heaven and hell. On one side I remember so many things; I remember her light moans, her warmth inside and out and most importantly I feel the warmth and affection in my heart. I honestly believe I was truly and completely in love with her and the more tiny details I remember the more certain I become I was in love with her and that's what makes this hell also. I can't see her face, I never see her her face. I can tell you see has a dark freckle on her left hip, but there I can't tell you the color of her eyes. On top of everything else I'm going through why not add a little bit more misery.

Last night as I slept I had a other memory come to me that stared that scent, but it was nothing like the others:

It was light outside and I was staring out very large windows from the top floor of Queens Consolidated... I remember them from my childhood. The tie around my neck is tight and with every click of heels from behind me it only seemed to get tighter. Her scent is everywhere; it's in my nose, it's seeping into my skin, it's in my very being. In the matter of a second I see the night we were together, starting at the moment I grab the back of her neck and slam my lips to hers all the way threw to where I wait until she falls asleep and leave her in bed alone.

The flash of that night is interrupted by a barely audible, "Um..."

I cut her off before she can say anything to me never taking my eyes off the city outside the window, "Last night probably shouldn't have happened. I'm not going to say it was a mistake because it wasn't, but we had a lot to drink and it was suppose to be Tommy's birthday and I shouldn't have let it happen-"

"But-"

"No I shouldn't have let it happen. I was taking advantage of how I know you feel about me looking for comfort and it shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong idea, but that can't happen again- as a matter of fact I think it's best we just push it to the back of our minds."

I can barely hear her voice when she says, "I don't want to."

I turned around to walk out of the room, but I still don't look at her because I know if I do I'll give in to the growing urge to pull her close to me. I start to walk toward the conference room door and say, "It's for the best... You deserve someone who isn't as broken as me." I reached the door and as I pull it open to walk threw I stop and finish with, "Can you not wear that perfume anymore? It really messes with my sinuses." Then like the asshole I am, I walked out the door and I never looked back.

I woke up in a cold sweat with tears in my eyes. The self loathing I felt toward myself was record breaking. Self loathing is a fairly new concept for me (as far as I know anyways), but it's safe to say that as far as this dream girl is concerned I'm quickly mastering it. I left her in bed after she told me she love me, and not only do I tell her it shouldn't have happened I make a decision for both of us that we were just going to forget it. And judging by that ring twinkling at me from across the room I clearly didn't. 

I decided that instead of spreading the day alone again I was going to hang out with Dig. Felicity was right, spending the day by myself yesterday clearly did a number on my psyche and being out and about was probably the best way to shake the lingering hatred for myself. 

When he showed up he some how knew that there was something wrong and we went to Big Belly Burger and talked. I told him about me breaking it off with Laurel, and how I remembered almost killing Jack Nelson and finally I told him about the girl I've been dreaming about and remembering for almost a month including the dream I had last night. 

After I was done he asked me, "Do you think she was the one the ring was meant for?"

I nodded my head and said, "I think it is very possible. I thought she could be Laurel because when I woke up I still thought it was her, but being with her didn't feel right. I felt like I was under a microscope and everything felt forced... Even simple conversations. I thought that if I was around her I would be able to shape myself into the person I thought I was suppose to be, but I couldn't. I've tried so hard to be who I remember myself to be, but I'm not. Even though I can't remember it, I know I have changed too much to be that guy."

"You know, about five years ago we were sitting here and I told you something and I'm going to say it again because I think it kind of applies right now... I told you that, I don't think love is about changing or saving a person, I think it's about finding the person who's already the right fit. And when I say that I don't only mean the other person I mean yourself as well. It is so unfair that you have to go through this when you have suffered enough to last two life times, but you have to have the faith that if you found your fit once you'll find her again."

I took in his words for a moment and then asked, "How am I suppose to know when I find my fit?"

Diggle looked over my shoulder for a second to where I know Carly is standing and then back at me before he answers, "You'll know because it'll feel like coming home."

It was then that my cell phone went off telling me that the bottle of 1865 Chateau Lafite I had delivered to Felicity at work had just reached its destination. With I smile on my face I text her, "I just thought you should get some sort of prize for being right."

Almost instantly she wrote me back, "140 IQ... Just saying." Before I could stop laughing she sent another message saying, "We can drink this while we work on the next season of Game of Thrones, right after I slap you silly for spending that much on a single bottle of wine."

I didn't even try to stop the laughter, but I did however successfully dismiss the looks of interest that Diggle sent my way for the rest of the afternoon.

I'm going to go downstairs and help Speedy with some wedding thing or something I'm not really sure, but I just think I should spend time with her... Some blonde told me it's psychologically better to surround myself with loved ones, and as it happens it happens to be advise from a blonde that I'm slightly excited to see this weekend.

Oliver


	13. Fleeting Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _I'm sorry for the long wait, I don't really have an excuse for you guys. I'm having a bit of a love/hate relationship with this chapter. There is some Olicity in it so I hope that makes up for the wait. Happy reading everyone and I'm sorry a head of time for any grammatical errors._**
> 
> **Disclaimer : _I own nothing Arrow related, if I did there would have been SO MUCH less Laurel in the last 2 episodes._**

April 29, 2016

Dear Journal,

I've been at Felicity's since yesterday morning. I had a memory come back to me so strong and confusing I didn't know what else to do. I was walking from Speedy's room and I remembered the same walk down the same hallway that lead to a conversation with the woman I remembered from the plane... Shado. I was stuck in some level of shock because Felicity had told me she died on the island and then of course I found myself knocking on Felicity's door before I could change my mind.

I found her in a shirt that said, "If white walkers chase us, I'm tripping you" and yoga pants that were probably a little tighter than they needed to be (and to stick with the honesty agreement I have with myself... I didn't stop my eyes from loiter on her legs for an extra moment). After I finished taking in her clothes I looked up to her face and saw the confusion on her face and in attempt to lighten the mood I asked, "Where do you find these random shirts you wear?"

She raised an eyebrow at me and said, "Conventions mostly... You can never have too many collectables. What's wrong Oliver?"

"I had a memory that I don't understand," I answered shamefully looking at my feet.

I hear the door creak open a little bit more from her opening it and without looking I walk into her apartment. When the door closes she walks into the kitchen and I followed her. She then put a kettle on the stove and jumped onto the counter taking a seat beside the stove, "What happened?"

I copied her movement and jumped onto the counter across from her and told her about the memory from the way she looked to the things she said to me. When I finished telling Felicity about the memory I said, "You told me she died on the island."

Felicity took a deep breath before dropping her head and said, "She did. A few years ago your psyche was putting you through what Diggle called 'Survivors Guilt' and it caused you to see hallucinations or ghosts or whatever you want to call them. That's the memory you had, your interaction with Shado."

Before I could stop myself I whispered, "She was beautiful."

Felicity didn't say anything until the kettle started to whistle and she leapt from the counter to the floor, "I wouldn't know, I never saw her face. I saw her grave, but that's the closest I ever got."

"When you and Diggle came to the island?"

She just nodded and poured the water into two mugs which she then poured instant hot coco into them. She held both do them hostage as she walked from the kitchen to the living room. 

As I sat a question came to me, "Did I ever tell you who else I saw? You know during my psychotic break."

After she readied the DVD player she sat on the couch beside me. Before pressing play she said, "Um yeah about a year or so later. You told me you saw Slade, the other person from the island and Tommy."

I literally felt the blood slow in my body and my heart stop beating, "Tommy? Did I ever tell you what he said to me?"

Felicity shook her head and said, "Nope, you never told me what any of them said to you... Just that you saw them. However, I always suspected that Tommy said something very reassuring to you because he came to you when you needed him the most."

"Did you ever meet Tommy?"

A small smile fell across her face, "Yeah I got a chance to meet him. He found me behind the bar at the club stealing a glass of wine before the club actually opened... Which lead to a truly embarrassing babble- not as embarrassing as when I first met Laurel, but embarrassing none the less.

I felt a smile stretch across my face and I knew then that going to her house was the best call. She pressed play and we started watching the next season of Game of Thrones and that's how we spent the remaining part of the morning. 

It's kind of funny (and very odd) now that I think back on it... When I was on my way to her house I had a million and a half questions about so much, but being with her on her couch with hot coco watching Game of Thrones the questions just kind of melted away and didn't seem all that important anymore.

Later into the day she got up and put a lasagna that she had in the freezer in the oven for what what she called "lunner." When the food was ready I carried the plates from the kitchen while she was behind me holding the wine I sent a few days ago complete with glasses. She set the glasses and wine on the table beside the plates of food and then looked toward me.

I didn't blink... I couldn't. I knew that if I did I was going to miss the look she was giving me. A look of compassion, sympathy and something else I couldn't quite name. Her eyes were doing this thing I have seen them do a couple times; the blue gets lighter and they have a slight shine to them and I don't know how else to explain it, but I can just tell she wants to tell me something, but doesn't. I then did something I still don't understand, I took a step closer to her. She was about three feet away from me and after that single unexplained step she was less than a foot. 

I watched her eyes get a little bigger and her throat bob from her swallowing her breath. She then licked her lips which resulted in me instinctively looking to them. I know I stared at them for a moment longer then I really should have, but standing there with this blonde who is rapidly becoming one of my favorite people in the world and standing this close to her gave me this huge rush of déjà vu and there wasn't a chance in hell I was breaking away from the feeling of familiarity.

She broke it first with a single step back and a look to the left. Her cheeks went completely red and I decided that the best thing to do was come up with some half ass excuse (that I don't even remember) to explain why I stepped into her personal space. She then in turn started laughing- impressively hard I might add- and then made a remark about being a really bad at cover stories. And like that the whole awkward moment was behind us and we were back to being us.

I can't tell you when exactly I fell asleep. It was after we finished Game of Thrones, but not far into a show she started called Dr. Who. I'd say I got far enough into it to understand her pajama choice when I came to her place after the memory of her and I fighting because of Isabel Rochev, but not much farther than that... And that's when the memory came to me: I was in a cream colored tent with men in black all around, there was also a man in a military uniform with a long beard standing in from of me. Beside me was a larger man who I recognize to be Slade and a small woman I know to be Shado. There was yelling all around me and then all of a sudden one of the men in all black shot the man in the military uniform in the head right in front of me.

It wasn't just the anger and the fear that woke me, but it was my scream as well. My own voice echoed in my ears over and over again, but was silenced by Felicity calling my name from down the hall accompanied with the sound of her running to me. When she finally got to me her hands were on my face instantly, wiping away the mangle of tears and cold sweat.

She never drilled me with questions, she just kept her hands on my cheeks until I caught my breath. We sat in silence until sunlight had completely taken over her living room for fifty three minutes and twenty seven seconds (again I counted). I finally told her of the dream I had from beginning to end.

She stood from the couch and my hand in hers and lead me to the kitchen where she started a pot of coffee, "It was a memory... You were remembering the death of your friend Yao Fei. You met him on the island. He was also Shado's father."

"Did I ever tell you anything about him?"

She offered me a small smile and said, "You told me he was madding. Said he talked in riddles and would talk in Chinese to you before you knew it, but most importantly he saved you more than once and in more than one way. You made him sound like a great man."

After she was done speaking the silence that surrounded us was comfortable and with coffee and pop-tarts we went back to the living room and insisted on a Harry Potter marathon. Luckily I remembered the first four (because Speedy always made me take her) so Felicity started us off on the fifth. As if I wasn't comfortable enough she started mimicking the dialogue of the movie perfectly. She really is her own adjective. I say that because if asked to use one word to describe her it would be impossible.

We finished the movies and I took my leave. I was honestly a little worried I had over stayed my welcome. She walked me to the door and right before I left I raised my right hand and cupped her cheek and whispered, "Thank you" so quietly that I'm not a hundred percent sure she heard me. I then dropped my hand and left. My whole way home and even now as I write this, I swear I can feel settle warmth leaving my body and even though this is my room, in my house I don't feel home.


	14. No Sight More Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's Note : _Yes I know, I suck. I'm sorry for the super long wait. I have no excuse for you guys and I am very sorry. I hope this chapter makes up for it. The show has been making me so mad with the glacial pace they have this fandom going that I decided to shift this story from the way I initially planned. And when read the chapter and see that Felicity says she "lost" Oliver for a little while, it's a reference to the major lack of Felicity in the last six or seven episodes, so before you send me the hate mail know that's what my mind set was. And yes, I do the editing myself so I miss stuff and instead of being cranky at me and demanding I get a beta, offer to him/her and save everyone the heartache. Okay I think I'm done with this now. I hope you guys like the chapter._**
> 
> **Disclaimer : _I don't own Arrow and I get nothing out of writing this besides satisfaction of a job well done and the occasional cranky message_**

May 1, 2016 2:58 am

Dear Journal,

I did something tonight. Something that I'm willing to bet two of my bank accounts on was not a good idea, and be that as it may I know there isn't a thing in the world that would make me want to take it back.

It was Diggle and Carly's wedding anniversary tonight and they were renewing their vows which was followed by a party they put together at their house. I wasn't planning on going, but Speedy pretty much pushed me out the door. Stating that I need to get out of the house, so to humor her I went. She also made the argument that since I was the best man at their first wedding, a memory might come to me while I watched them recreate it. It's safe to say that the first half hour there I didn't know anyone and I still had another half hour to wait for the ceremony to start. Many people came up and talked to me which was very friendly of them, but it didn't change the fact that I didn't know them at all.

There was this one guy who came up to me shook my hand and then pulled me into a friendly gentleman's hug. When I didn't returned it he pulled back and said, "I forgot, she said that you wouldn't remember me."

"She who," I asked.

"Felicity. She told me about your accident. I'm sorry you have to go through this man." 

When I looked into his eyes I could tell that he really meant what he saying. "Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm Oliver Queen."

"Oh right," he then lightly slapped himself in the head and then continued talking "you don't know me. I'm Barry Allan. We worked together a couple of times and actually became pretty good friends. Not like you are with John and Felicity, but considering how closed off of an individual you are I'd say we were good-ish friends."

He kind of reminded me of Felicity, he babbled just like her and was slightly socially awkward. "It's nice to meet you again Barry."

After the introduction Barry and I shared in simple conversations about everyday things, like what he did for a living and where he was from. About fifteen minutes before the ceremony started Barry stopped mid sentence while looking toward the door. When I followed his line of sight I understood perfectly why he stopped speaking. 

Felicity was in a simple yellow dress and walking toward us. She looked beautiful. I hadn't realized I had become so accustom to her in her pajamas and though she looks cute in them, she was a vision tonight and judging by Berry's silence he agreed completely. When she reached us she simply gave my forearm a slight squeeze before moving to Berry and wrapping her arms around him in a right hug. 

They exchanging words, their lips were moving the whole time, but I couldn't pull myself to focus on the words being said because I was to busy looking at the facial expression that Barry had. I might not remember the last ten years of my life, but I know what it looks like when someone is harboring deep romantic feeling for another and that was the look that was on his face. I think I even saw him smell her and it wasn't until then I felt the sting of my finger nails biting into my hand because I had clenched my hands into very tight fists.

When she pulled away from Barry (I don't know what came over me) I got a sudden feeling that a simple arm squeeze wasn't enough and I leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek. I watched her cheeks develop a hint of pink on them and she then looked at her feet. I looked to Barry and he gave me this look like we were sharing an inside joke that I wasn't in on at all, but before I could question the look Felicity grabbed our hands and lead us to some seats to prepare for the ceremony. 

The ceremony was pleasant enough and as it went on images flashed in my head putting together what I think was the original ceremony. I saw Felicity behind Carly in a royal blue dress that stopped at her knees. She looked beautiful and in exception for the parts where I had to participate in (like handing over the ring) I stared at her the whole time. I think she knew too, because the blush on her cheeks slowly grew darker and darker as the wedding continued. 

When the memory came to an end I looked toward Felicity who had tears in her eyes as Diggle and Carly recited their vows to each other. I grabbed her hand and started to slowly run my thumb over her knuckles. I expected her to look at me, but she didn't... She simply readjusted her hand so she could tighten her hold on my hand as I tightened my hold on hers.

When the ceremony ended we parted ways, agreeing to meet up at Dig and Carly's place. When I arrived I saw that Barry had beaten me there which kind of struck me as odd because I left before him.

The thought was forgotten when he walked over to me then gestured his head toward our hosts and said, "You got to love seeing people in love. There is no sight more perfect... Not anywhere in the world."

"Been around the world a lot have you," I asked out of simple curiosity. 

"Oh I've been around the world quite a few times and I think that gives me the necessary qualifications to make that assessment."

"Perhaps it does." I said. I was then overrun with another curiosity and before I could stop myself I asked, "So you and Felicity... Was there ever something there?"

Barry looked to his feet and laughed for a moment before he responded, "No, but not from lack of trying on my end... Felicity.... Well, since I met her she's always had feelings for someone else and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get her to really see my that way. It's for the best though, I have Iris now and she's the brightest part of my life and Felicity will get her happily ever after one day... I'm sure of it."

It was like he made her appear after that because all of a sudden, there she was. Walking threw the gate that lead to the backyard all the wedding guests were starting to gather. She gave us a huge smile and walked toward us. The three of us shared small talk for a while until Diggle came join us. The conversation between the four of us was almost effortless and when John excused himself Barry went with him saying he wanted to talk security business, leaving Felicity and I to ourselves.

Without asking her I grabbed her hand and dragged her to the area everyone was softly dancing at and pulled her close to me. I placed one hand on her lower back and the grabbed her other and we started to sway back and forth.

We were silent for a couple minutes before I asked, "Have we ever danced before?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and responding, "Uh yeah, we've danced a couple times, at events for Queen's Consolidated and once at the Queen's annual Christmas party-"

"But you're Jewish," I interjected and she started laughing rather hard.

It took her a moment to compose herself, but when she did she said, "I haven't told you that since your accident." With a small smile on her lips she asks, "Why do you think you keep remembering such minuscule about me?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know. It might have something to do with the fact that you have been a bit of a constant in my life since I woke up."

She broke eyes contact with me and looked down, it was then that another memory came to me. This one was unlike the one about wedding and more like a punch to the gut.

I was chasing after Felicity in a room full of people and balloons, "Felicity what wrong? And please don't say-"

"I'm fine."

"- you're fine."

She gives the face that she makes when she says something embarrassing and says, "You might have noticed that I talk a lot."

I feel the urge to smile at her, but I can see the seriousness in her eyes and decide it's better if I don't, "It has not escaped my attention."

Her face then shifts to a slight sadness and continues, "You might have also noticed that I don't talk a lot about my family."

Everything about Felicity is infectious, her smile, her laugh and from what I was experiencing in that moment her sadness as well, "I have noticed that."

"My mother is... She's... My mother. I don't really know what my father is, cause he abandoned us. I barely remember him. But I do remember, how much it hurt when he left. Just the thought of losing someone that important to me again."

The tears in her eyes make me have to intervene with what she is saying, "Hey, you're not going to lose me. Whatever it is that's bothering you. Is it about your family?"

She looks down to the ground and then back to my face and says, "No, it's about yours. Just please don't hate me Oliver, please."

I feel confusion and fear wash over me, "I could never hate you Felicity and no matter what you won't lose me. What is about my family that has you so upset?"

She takes another deep breath and says, "I came across some information the other day, information about your mother and Thea. Thea is your half sister... Not your whole sister."

I feel my breathing and heart stop simultaneously, "Then who--" I left the question hanging in the air, unable to finish it.

"Malcolm Merlin."

That's where the memory ended and I came back to the sound of Felicity saying my voice over and over again while lightly shaking me. When she saw that I wasn't inside my own head anymore she lead me from the backyard to a park a couple a couple houses away from the party. She sat me on a swing while she took the one beside me and just waited for me to speak.

I have no idea how long we sat there until I finally spoke. I told her the memory I had and like she always does, she simply waited for me to finish before she fills in the blanks.

"Yeah that was at your mother's campaign launch party, before she went to jail for jury tampering with her jury for the Undertaking. It took Thea a while to except it, but you told her that your father knew the truth and elected to love her anyways it really helped her move past it."

It took me while to process everything she had just said to me. It was a lot to take in, but the fact that my father knew the truth and loved her anyways really helped wash down the bitter truth.

Even after what I just remembered I still couldn't help but wonder something and I before I second guessed myself I asked, "After you told me, did I pull away from you? Did you lose me, even after I promised you wouldn't?"

She stared out to the greenery of the park and said, "A little bit, for a while. You were still there, but not. There was no witty banter or relaxed conversations, it was all business. It took us a while to get back to where we were as friends."

"I'm sorry I did that to you Felicity. You deserve better then that. You were just trying to be my friend, I shouldn't have given you the brush off."

She offered me a warm smile and a slight shrug then said, "It's fine really. It was a few years ago and it's kind of always been the Oliver Queen speciality... Something gets rough or hard to deal with you shut out the people who care most, so the only person who has to deal with your problems is you." She paused for a moment and then in the attempt to lighten the mood she said, "Shame that stupid accident happened, I think I almost had you broken of that habit."

It was a really I'll attempt at humor, but it made me laugh none the less. We sat in the park in silence until the sun started to set and then we made our way back to the party. She hung around for a while and then declared that she was going to head home.

After she bid good bye to Barry and hugged Diggle and Carly I walked her to her car down the road. I opened the door for her and said, "Thank you for filling in the blanks for me.... Again."

She squeezed my hand that was resting on the car door and said, "I know so much seems uncertain and confusing to you right now, but I promise you that I will ALWAYS fill in the blanks for you Oliver. You have always been one of the most important people in my life."

I don't know what came over me or why I didn't try to stop myself, but after she said that I leaned into her and kissed her. I wrapped my free hand around her waist and pulled her until she was right against me. I know I took her completely by surprise so the fact that it took her a few seconds to respond and kiss me back didn't surprise or bother me at all. When she finally did respond I deepened the kiss as much as she would let me. Her lips were soft, her taste was addictive and the little whimper she made when I lightly bit down on her lower lip was audible perfection. The kiss could have lasted for hours, but to me it was only seconds.

I pulled away first because I knew if I didn't my self control would have just shattered. I kept my eyes closed not ready for the reality around us and rested my forehead against hers. She was breathing heavily and the electricity I felt while kissing her only intensified with everyone one of her breaths. I knew I should probably apologize for kissing her, but I just couldn't bring myself to lie to her like that. So instead of an apology I simply told her I would see her soon.

She didn't respond, but instead just nodded at me before climbing into her car and driving away. After she left I only stayed for a few minutes myself before seeing myself home. I have been trying to work out all the energy I have had since I kissed her, but two hours later and I'm no closer to feeling tired than I was when I first walked in the door. I really hope I didn't make a mistake kissing her, she's far to important to lose. Part of me kind of knows it wasn't, because something that good could never be a mistake... Not with a woman like her.


	15. An Obvious Blank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Author's Note: _I know it's been a LONG time since I've updated and I'm very sorry about that. Being a new mom is so time consuming that I actually have to choose between eating something or taking a nap most days lol. I hope you all like the update. Please go easy on me if there is any grammical errors, I average about 4 hours of sleep a night and I'm staying up to post this... So please be nice._  
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> P.S. OlicityDreams, this is for you.  
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> Disclaimer: _I own Arrow seasons 1 & 2 on blue ray... But that's as close as it gets to own Arrow for me._  
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> 

May 9, 2016

Dear Journal,

I don't know what puts me more on edge, not having my memory, having no new come to me or not seeing or talking to Felicity for over a week. I still don't regret kissing her... Not in the least, but if I knew that I wouldn't hear from her I might have reconsidered it at that moment, but in the spirit of honesty I would have done it anyways.

I haven't had any big memories come to me since the wedding. I've only had flashes. Quick images of woods any city slums, but that's it. Then earlier today it hit me like a Mac truck. Felicity was laying on a metal table. She was in a red dress that had char marks all over it with a wound on her head. Her hair and makeup was completely messed up and I as I stared at her I felt my legs almost give out.

After I pulled myself from the memory and found myself in the here and now, as quickly as I could I readied myself and left the house. I broke more street laws than I'll ever admit to and I didn't care, i just knew that I had to get to her. I had to see that she was alright for myself, with my own two eyes.

When she opened the door I didn't bother to look at whatever shirt she was wearing I just placed a hand on each shoulder and started examining her face where the wound was. There is a small scar I never bothered to notice before because the color is so fair on her skin you can barely see it. 

I can't even begin to guess how long I sat there looking her over for injuries I knew weren't there, but it was her voice that pulled me back to reality, "Oliver, what are you do-"

I didn't let her finish her question though because I smashed my lips on hers as one final test to make sure she was real and completely unharmed. She responded faster than she did the last time, but the there was still hesitation. I didn't linger in the kiss for long, but I wasn't ready to leave her space so I rested my forehead against hers. It wasn't until I was a hundred percent sure that she was really there that I explained to her the memory I had.

As I talked I sat down her couch, not noticing that she lead me into her apartment let alone her living room. She sat beside me and let me speak never once interrupting me. When I finished my tale she filled in the blanks for me. She told me that we were out to dinner and a bomb went off and the memory I had was while she was still unconscious. There was no missing the sadness in her eyes as she continued to speak and I know that there was something she was holding back.

When she was finished speaking we sat in silence for an unmeasurable amount of time. I just looked at her and racked my brain for memories to comeback to me, while she looked everywhere but at me.

Sometime later I blurted out, "Let me take you to dinner" before I could stop myself. It took about a half hour of convincing, but I wore her down eventually. She was wearing a shirt that said "SAMCRO" on it and blue jean... And to me she had never looked more beautiful. She has such a simple beauty to her that it almost makes her seem unreal sometimes.

We went to Big Belly Burger and as it turned out Carly was working. She's the manger there apparently... Who knew right (well I'm sure I did at some point)?! Diggle ended up showing up with the kids and sat with us for a while. I watched him steal kisses from Carly the whole time I was there. In the corner of the booth watching Felicity play with Dig and Carly's youngest and the love between John and Carly I found myself wishing for the same thing.

That's when the memory hit me: I was standing in a hospital and I was standing with Felicity. She said to me, "Stop dangling maybes. Say it's never going to work out between us. Say you never loved me-" and I cut he off by slamming my lips to hers. I felt a warmth rush over me followed by a numbing chill because I knew what was going to happen when I pulled away.

When I finally pulled my lips from hers I said, "Don't ask me to say that I don't love you."

With my hands on each of her cheeks and tears in her eyes she says, "I told you as soon as we talked it would be over." Then she pulled away from me and walked away and the body numbing chill came back.

I was brought back to the pleasant atmosphere around me by a warm touch on my hand that I knew without looking was Felicity, "I know that face.... What did you remember?"

I put on my fake smile that I knew she could see through and told her I would tell her when we got back to her place. Her grip tightened for a moment before letting go completely... Her own little way of telling me she agreed. The rest of the night was very enjoyable and full of laughter.

When we finally made it back to Felicity's she asked about the memory again the second we walked in the door and I told her. She was silent for a few minutes afterward and I broke the silence by asking, "Were we in love Felicity?"

She took a deep breath and said, "Yes and no. From the day we met I always had a bit of a thing for you and as we got to know each other better those feelings grew and after knowing each other for a couple years you started to feel the same way, but you were never really in the emotional place to be in a relationship. You let me know how you felt about me for a while, and then you started spending more and more time with Laurel and your affections shifted back to Laurel."

I sat there for a moment and took in everything she said to me and it just didn't sit right with me. I only lingered for a few more minutes before placing a soft kiss on her cheek and left her place and headed home. 

I know that she has only ever answered my questions and never given me more information than what I have asked for, but now sitting here writing this all down I know for sure now: for the first time since I have woken up and re met her she actually lied to me... Okay maybe not lied, but it is obvious that she purposely left something out and to me that's lying. So help me I will figure it out if it kills me.


End file.
